“A cup of tea would restore my normality.”
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.”
— Henry James (as adopted by Steampunks everywhere)
Tea dueling is that most noble and perilous of pursuits: a contest of nerve, decorum, and digestive fortitude, waged with a teacup and a biscuit over a cup or mug of steaming brew. It is the gentleperson’s battlefield, where the clink of china replaces the clash of steel, and the stakes—though rarely mortal—are nothing less than honour itself. Certainly, it ranks as the most vital form of warfare known to humankind, for what is civilisation if not the art of sipping tea under pressure?
For the esteemed VIPs of Wonderplace Alpha, we are delighted to present a singular treat. The Painting Badger, our Artist Guest of Honour, shall preside over this grand affair. A maestro of the canvas and a veteran of the teapot, the Badger brings an air of roguish charm and mechanical whimsy to the proceedings—imagine a brush-wielding duelist with a penchant for gears and a twinkle in the eye.
The rules of tea dueling are simple yet exacting: two combatants face off, each armed with a cup of piping-hot tea (brewed to a precise 3 minutes and 47 seconds, naturally) and a biscuit of sturdy constitution—shortbread for the traditionalists, a spiced cog-shaped morsel for the avant-garde. At the signal, the duelists dunk their biscuits into the tea, holding them aloft for a count of five before attempting a clean, decisive bite. The first to consume without crumbling—literally or figuratively—claims victory. To this classic framework, we add a dash of Wonderplace Alpha’s multigenre flair:
(NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT EXPECT ANY OF THIS. WE LET THE AI PLAY AROUND AND IT GAVE US RIDICULOUS THINGS. EXPECT ALL THE STUFF ABOVE, BUT WE’RE LEAVING THE LATTER PART HERE JUST BECAUSE IT WOULD BE COOL:
“Expect steam-powered teapots hissing with menace, biscuits infused with exotic Martian spices, and the occasional holographic referee borrowed from a galaxy far, far away. The Painting Badger may even sketch the victor mid-duel, immortalising their triumph in ink and sepia.”
The Badger will be drinking his OWN tea, thank you!
And now, a few words from the masters to stir the spirit:
“It takes a special kind of person to fight back.”
— Terry Pratchett, on the resilience required for tea-soaked combat
“Is there any tea on this spaceship?”
— Douglas Adams, a question every duelist secretly asks when the brew runs low
“You can’t build a plot out of jokes. You need tragic relief. And you need to let people know that when a lot of frightened people are running around with edged weaponry, there are deaths. Stupid deaths, usually.”
— Terry Pratchett, a reminder that even tea dueling has its perils
Join us, then, for an afternoon of high stakes and higher tea. Bring your stiffest upper lip and your sharpest biscuit hand. The Painting Badger awaits!